Posted Saturday/September 20, 2003; 12:21 p.m. PST

Trust me on this, M’s believers, five guys are not going to pull up outside of the Royal Brougham Palace and get you to the Promised Land unless its Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Williams and Mays. (Notice how three of those are Yankees...Hmmmmm). We need to dissect these foibles the hometown nine have (like that hasn’t been played to death) and see if we can conjure up an answer. My ideas are radical my children, and might not be received with that OBJECTIVE Mariner eye that us Yankee fans are so used to.

1. BOB MELVIN
Strange for me a former catcher, to dis another former catcher, but man you are as tight as a cows ass at fly time. BOMEL, wake the hell up!! In the 6th inning of a game against a LAST PLACE ball club with Edgar on second, and down by a run, by all means leave the guy that’s slower than my ex-wife finding a job, to score from second on a single to left (Bitter? I’m not bitter.) You need to make baseball decisions to get to the playoffs, don’t be such a stand-up guy. I don’t buy the feces coming from the “Baseball Experts.” In this town you can’t pull Edgar that early. He will get another at-bat. You have a bench full of serviceable ballplayers, and someone is going to have to replace him one day. Bobby boy, get some nuts, walk in with a 34 oz. Adirondack, cave-in a clubhouse stereo, turn over the buffet table and show a lil' emotion! I’m not asking you to throw a base, just a fit.

2. NINTENDO
OK, this is where I’m going to draw a lil' heat, but DAMMIT, I’m gonna go there. Why is it that the Mariners NEVER negotiate a contract during the season, yet sign an overworked, mid-30's reliever that can’t top 90 on the gun (or carry a suitcase), to a MULTI-YEAR extension in the MIDDLE of the season? How quickly will a deal for everyone’s favorite 51 (Randy WHO?) come to fruition? The Doctor says it will be a long-term, lucrative, deal with many options and endorsements. Not here of course, but many endorsements I’m sure. Hey, it’s his money, he can spend it as he likes, on who he likes...just remember that.

3. SEATTLE FANS
This is the part where my "medical training" supercedes my "capitalist dog/Yankee mentality." I have to be a healer, I have to help these poor souls. They walk around with delusional ideas that being the SECOND LARGEST revenue still gives them the right to turn their nose in the air at owners who spend money. The cold, hard fact is that you would give the Needle, Hammering Man, Mt. Rainier and grunge rock band to be named later, to have a guy that opens the pocketbook at the drop of a waiver wire. This town needs a parade that doesn’t have hydros dragged through it. I think I speak for these poor afflicted peons when I say, if you win ONE World Series, they won't ask for another one, but please, try to win one.

But alas, my poor wretched patients, you must take it on the chin if you want to be a big boy. Give them the chance to see if they can right the ship through the farm. Yankee fans had to suffer with the likes of Danny Tartabull and Ken Phelps before Jeter and Williams. Oh that’s right, you suffered with them too…

Previously: "Hey everybody else is up there." - March 29, 2003