Posted Saturday/March 29, 2003; 1:44 p.m. PST

Ok, so I’m not playing that new reality game show “I’m an Evil Dictator, get me out of here” with Koppel and the rest of the boys. God love ‘em and send them all back safe, but for their sakes and the rest of Free America, it’s time for that wacky, wonderful and woeful thing we call "sports commentary."

Ahh, its Madness time again dear readers, and the world is all a flutter with Cinderella’s and buzzer-beaters. Going into “Sweet Sixteen” weekend, how can you not like Kentucky to win it all? And the entire city of Scottsdale can unpucker themselves now after Blake Stepp missed the eight foot bank shot. Can anybody tell the good Doctor which team in the tournament gets back their ENTIRE starting five next year? HMMMMM...

And speaking of Arizona, somebody call the M’s and ask them when the open tryouts start for the fifth starter. I understand that Gil Meche has been named to that posistion, but Meche is a #4 on this team, with Franklin being three, and Moyer/Pinero being an interchangeable one/two. But alas faithful followers, did I forget to mention one other person? The Physician of Phat (that’s me by the way) is calling out Freddy “Nightmare on Royal Brougham Street” Garcia to stand up and get some STONES!

Be a man Freddie, respond to pressure situations, don’t SMILE when you are supposed to be PISSED, and maybe, just maybe, you'll play for the Yankees one day. The nightlife in New York is built more to your liking anyway.

Once again the Seattle Seahawks are doing their best to help out Seattle Tourism by allowing all these BIG-time defensive players to visit Seattle for the weekend and then scoot right on out. Time's a wastin’ there Mr. Ferguson, and there be fish to fry. And for my Oakland faithful, somebody slap Uncle Al upside the head down there and put JUNIOR in a Raider uni PLEASE! It’s not like we are building for the future.

Speaking of the future, what does it hold in store for us? Lets gaze into the speculum of the future. For anyone that knows what a "speculum" is, award yourself one bonus point for finding out what I got the PhD. in.

- I see an NBA franchise in the Northwest getting a #4 draft pick thanks to two egos. (Hey George, GUARANTEED he’s in Portland next year… GUARANTEED!)

- I see that same NBA franchise trading it for a BIG PERSON! A REAL BIG PERSON!

- I see ABSOLUTLY NO ONE contending for ANY golf majors this year. He could have thrown it in the bag after Food Poisoning and being up by two at the start of Sunday's play at Bay Hill. He could have shot par, won by three (in the driving rain no less), selling Buicks on the back of hole Number 6. But no, Eldrick goes out and wins by EIGHT! That’s right, EIGHT BLEEPIN' STROKES !!!! Nuff said.

- A quick exacta for the first weekend in May in Mint-Julep land, take Atswhatimtalkinbout over Empire Maker in a CLASSIC Derby, with them trading wins in the Belmont and Preakness. Remember, horses are the only athletes that don’t BITCH about salary, get ARRESTED for domestic violence, go on STRIKE.

- “I’ll take 'Poor Career' decisions for $1,200, Alex.”

“O.J. Simpson – San Francisco 49ers, Franco Harris – Seattle Seahawks, Tony Dorsett – Denver Broncos, Earl Campbell – New Orleans Saints….“What the HELL is Emmitt Smith thinking?”

“Correct Dr. Fill, you still control the board…”

Previously: "Slapper From The Blue Line" - February 25, 2003
Next: "Realistic Eye for the Mariner Guy" - September 20, 2003